Why your negative thinking isn’t the problem by Susie Berg
Pessimism and negative thinking get a bad rap. But in therapy, we often discover something surprising:
they usually started as a form of protection.
For many people, pessimism showed up with good intentions.
“If I expect the worst, I won’t be disappointed.”
“If I stay guarded, I won’t get hurt.”
From that point of view, negativity isn’t the enemy. It’s a survival strategy. The problem is that what once protected us can quietly start running our lives.
One client explained this perfectly. They told me, “I’m realistic, not negative,” and then added, “I just assume things won’t work out so I don’t get my hopes up.”
At the same time, they deeply wanted change, more fulfillment, and less anxiety. So inside, two parts were pulling in opposite directions:
- One part wanted growth and possibility
- Another part insisted on staying guarded and “safe”
That inner tug-of-war left them feeling stuck, drained, and depressed.
Why This Makes Sense (and You’re Not Broken)
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps us understand this dynamic with compassion. Instead of seeing pessimism as a flaw, IFS views it as a part, often a protector, doing its best to prevent emotional pain.
IFS teaches that there are no bad parts. We’re born curious, playful, and creative. But trauma or attachment wounds can force parts of us into roles they were never meant to carry. Those parts learned strategies that were necessary at the time but later become outdated and harmful.
A pessimistic protector might say:
“If I lower expectations, I won’t get hurt.”
The trouble comes when this part takes over completely. When that happens, it overrides the Self, the calm, grounded, wise center within us that can lead with clarity, curiosity, and confidence.
What Neuroscience and High Performers Tell Us
Dave Asprey’s book Game Changer backs this up from a neuroscience and performance perspective. After interviewing hundreds of highly impactful people, he found one key theme: clarity around values matters more than willpower.
When we don’t know what truly matters, our energy leaks everywhere.
Asprey describes three “energy buckets”:
- Drains (0%) – things that exhaust us
- Neutral or necessary tasks (10%)
- Energy-gaining activities (90%)
Chronic pessimism usually lives in the drain bucket, quietly eating up mental and emotional energy.
He also talks about how powerful our language is. Certain words automatically activate stress and fear in the brain:
- “Can’t” – often really means I need help, I don’t have the tools, I don’t know how, or I don’t want to.
- “Need” – sends the brain into survival mode, even though our true needs are basic: air, food, water, shelter.
- “Bad” – creates black-and-white thinking and unnecessary judgment.
- “Try” – quietly assumes failure and gives the brain an escape hatch.
Small word changes can create big internal shifts.
The Most Hopeful Part: Your Brain Can Change
Here’s the good news: pessimism isn’t permanent.
Neuroscience shows us that the brain is not fixed. The old saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” simply isn’t true. Through neuroplasticity, the brain continues to change, grow, and form new connections throughout life.
What we practice, the brain strengthens.
If fear-based thoughts are rehearsed, those pathways grow stronger. But when we practice new habits, like noticing what is working, questioning automatic “yeah, but” thoughts, or choosing language that allows possibility, the brain literally rewires itself.
Over time, what once felt automatic begins to loosen. Choice becomes available.
This means it’s never too late to update outdated belief systems. Just like upgrading an old computer so it runs better today, we can replace fear-based mental habits with ones that reflect who we are now, not who we had to be to survive in the past.
Change isn’t about age or willpower.
It’s about awareness, practice, compassion, and consistency.
If your wanting help with this, please reach out to us at 314-948-5307 or visit our website at www.soundmindtherapy.com