Sound Mind Therapy

“Thank goodness, it’s not me,” I thought to myself watching the psychologist being interviewed on TV about what parents should say to their teenagers about the Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson. It was a tragedy—and not the first of its kind either—touching the delicate topics of racial inequality and law enforcement justice. It had begun with a single shooting and had quickly progressed into weeks of 24-7 news coverage, riots, nationwide protests and FBI involvement. I watched and realized that very well could have been me on TV. After all, my co-author Karen Friedman and I are updating Stop Struggling With Your Teen (Viking Penguin; 1988).

Yes, the psychologist had said the most important thing a parent could do was to make their teenagers feel safe. I agree, but how can parents do that? This was an explosive event and involved confusing and conflicting subjects. People in St. Louis, especially parents and teens are on edge. That interview stuck with me, got me thinking about what I would’ve said, and days later, after talking to some of my colleagues, resulted in the following.

1. Listen!

Listening is an underused yet extremely powerful skill. It is the ability to stay silent and be attentive, to keep the spotlight on the speaker and let them know you absorbed what they said without censorship or judgment. Listen, and then ask the magic question: “Is there more?” This kind of dialogue allows teens to express their fear freely without you adding on to it. When parents attempt to tone down otherwise horrible events and try to make things appear okay, it gives teens more cause to worry. Attempting to squash a teen’s natural and rightful curiosity or change the topic at hand only tends to alarm teens and worry them more. Contrary to popular belief, fear does not increase by expressing it, but is reduced when it is unloaded, expressed freely into a safe environment.

2. Don’t Sugarcoat! – Be Real!

It’s often tempting to sugarcoat what is really happening but don’t do it. Sugarcoating destroys trust. “Whom do you trust?” is an important question to bring out in the open Yes, this concept of trust is difficult both to discuss aloud and to grasp, for it is in the abstract, but it must be talked about. And even more difficult is how do you differentiate between whom you do and don’t trust—and in this case, it is even more sensitive because it is the police force, our protectors from the “bad guys.” Kids are taught to trust the police, but after the recent events in Ferguson, they have been painted as bad guys. So how do you fix that? According to Tony Victor, P.H.D., one way to go about it is to use language that teenagers can truly understand. For example, talk about the teachers in your teens’ school- some you like, some you don’t. Some you trust, some you don’t. This is part of life and we all need to learn how to make these distinctions.

3. See the Bigger Picture

With teenagers it’s not just about what to say, it’s also about perception. Let’s shift and take a quick look at how many people focus on the painful pieces of life. There was more coverage on the painful elements of Ferguson: number of gun shots to Brown’s body, number of previous police vs. African American cases, and the heartbreak of Brown’s family and friends. We need to remember how many of us overemphasize the pains of life and underemphasize the joys of life. Teens need to understand that even when something bad happens there is always something good to be grateful for. Helping them to find the light in the dark is essential to showing them that life has a balance and isn’t always something to hide or escape from.

New workshop with Evonne, Stop Struggling with Your Teen starting in September.

Evonne Weinhaus
Co-author of Stop Struggling With Your Teen, A New Fearless You and Stop Struggling With Your Child.