Sound Mind Therapy

As parents we all know how important self-esteem is to every child. It is understandable that encouraging self-esteem is often the last thing on parents’ minds if they are moving from one struggle to the next.

What parents need to remember during those frustrating moments is this: The real culprit that often incites the parent-child battles is the child’s low self esteem. When children feel they can’t make an impact on their parents by cooperating, they may well try to make an impact through arguing and power plays. That’s when parents retreat from esteem building comments to criticizing and correcting comments.

This cycle leaves both parent and child feeling discouraged, inadequate and even hopeless. Parents can start to break this cycle by focusing their attention on maximizing their child’s self esteem. Naturally, you don’t want to even try to muster up positive comments in the midst of an argument. That’s not the appropriate time or place. But you can capitalize on other moments when you and your child are not at odds. You can use your energy to accent the positive for your child and for yourself.

Here’s how:

1. Highlight Daily, Everyday Events

• “You sure chose a good variety of food for lunch.”
• “What a perfect choice of clothes for this weather, it will really keep you warm.”
• And if you’re desperate for something to say try, “Your teeth sure look clean. You sure are doing a good job of brushing them.”

2. Make the Most of Ho-Hum Moments

Use the small, easy-to-ignore parts of the day to raise your child’s self esteem.

• Try saying, “It’s sure good to see you. I sure enjoyed you today.”
• Make your child feel special by giving them a nickname.
• Write them a special note in their lunch box. “Hope you are having a good day.”
• Give your child a surprise hug and say, “You sure are huggable.”

3. Appreciate Your Child’s Help

• “I wouldn’t have gotten this room cleaned if you hadn’t pitched in.”
• “Thanks for reminding me that the timer went off.”
• “I really appreciate your help by putting your dirty cup in the sink.”

4. Try One Word Exclamations

For example, “Great”, “Terrific” and “Wow.” These words are natural encouragers, and many children will beam when you use them.

5. If Your Child Resists Encouragement, Describe All The Small Actions that You Observe

• “You caught that bounce pass the first time.”
• “You passed the ball right to me.”
• “You had three dribbles in a row.”
• These statements are based on observable facts and are irrefutable.

6. Remember To Comment On What Is Or What Was — Not On What Could Be

When your child comes to you discouraged because he couldn’t swim the length of the pool, describe only what you did see.

• “You swam five strokes under the water without even taking a breath.”

If you’re really desperate you might say,

• “You cupped your hands, and your strokes really pulled you through the water.”

Just think this kind of feedback can give your child a sense of success and keep you honest.

7. Use “Remember When” Statements To Remind Your Child of Past Accomplishments

Children have a warehouse full of past accomplishments and resources they can draw on for encouragement to help them handle problems in the present. If your child is frightened to try something new, try saying, “Remember when you learned to ride your two wheeler? How you started out falling, not being able to steer, and in a matter of days you were sailing along?”

8. Point Out Your Child’s Small Successes

Many parents only offer the kind of encouragement that is solely results-oriented. Instead, focus on the many small steps that occur as your child tackles each task.

Your child’s:

• Effort and improvement
• Problem-solving ability
• Attitude
• Intention

9. Focus on your child’s improvement

• “I noticed you really improved in your ability to concentrate for a long time. We’ve been working here for over thirty minutes straight. “
• “You’ve really improved in your reading. Now you’re able to read the entire page on your own.”

10. Focus on your child’s effort

• “It looks like you are putting a lot of effort and thought into answering those social study questions at the end of the chapter.”
• “I’m really impressed with the amount of effort you put forth.”

11. Focus On Your Child’s Problem Solving Ability And Ideas

• “I loved the way you figured out how to get to soccer practice and still get your homework done.”
• “What a great idea you had for giving your valentine box that glittery look.”

12. Keep In Mind These Statements To Encourage Their Problem-Solving Ingenuity

• “What a clever idea.”
• “Good thinking.”
• “You sure solved that problem.”
• ” I like that idea.”
• “I can’t believe you thought to do that.”

13. Focus On Your Child’s Attitude

• “You really had a ‘go get ’em’ attitude that served you well. Congratulations on winning the relay.”
• “I really admire your stick-with-it style. You don’t give up even when a lot of people would.”

14. Keep in Mind These Common Four Attitudes

• “You really had a positive mental attitude.”
• “I admire your ‘willing to learn’ ”
• “I like your ‘pay attention’ ”
• “I’m glad you have an ‘I’m willing to change’ ”

15. Intention Is A Great Source Of Encouragement — Especially When You’re Desperate

If your child is taking dishes out of the dishwasher and breaks them, this would be a perfect time to acknowledge his intention. Consider saying, “I know your intention was good. You really wanted to help me.”

What are some of the ways you increase your child’s self esteem? Share your tips with me by sending me an email (evonne@soundmindcafe.com) or scheduling an appointment for family counseling in St. Louis.

Evonne Weinhaus, LCSW, LPC is the co-author of three books – A New Fearless You, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, and Stop Struggling With Your Child. She is also a certified Imago relationship therapist at Sound Mind Cafe and sought-after speaker. For more information about Evonne Weinhaus, go to Sound Mind Therapy.