Sound Mind Therapy

It is close to that time of year again when relationships and love have some time in the spotlight. The national holiday does remind us of love, but where is love the rest of the year?

People say “love is in the air,” or maybe for you, your love comes through your phone, since the face emoji with heart eyes is in the Top 10 of emoji favorites. Stevie Wonder claimed, “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” Herbie the Car was a “Love Bug,” and then there is Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. But how do we really know if we are in love or if our relationships based in love will last?

Two Important Questions

I happened to run across an article where a pair of scientists from the University of Virginia (Friedberg and Stern) actually found two questions that will gauge whether or not your relationship will flourish or end. It is astonishing to think just two questions can make or break a relationship, but there is actual evidence to support their study!

Question one states that if you believe you would be unhappy without your relationship, you are more likely to stay in your relationship and make it last. Question two shows that if you can accurately state how your partner feels about your relationship, it is more likely your relationship will last. To be clear, the key to the second question is the word “accurately.” The idea is that when you are happy and you really understand the way your partner feels about your relationship, you will have a greater appreciation for each other and your relationship will prosper. It seems like a simple equation to find love and relationship happiness, but the equation isn’t over yet.

Love also requires a process of bidding. John Gottman, a psychologist who focused on the relationship and marital stability, conducted multiple studies to understand the aspects of marriage and the cause for divorce. Within his research, Gottman found that couples would open an avenue for engagement that he named “bids.” A bid is nothing fancy, just a simple question like “Did you see what’s been on the news?” The key to the maintenance of love and relationships was what happened next. If the partner turned toward the other partner with a followed-up reply such as, “No, what is happening?” the relationships had a powerful chance of surviving. If the partner ignored the questions by turning away, the relationships were most likely going to unravel.

Are You a Master or a Disaster?

Gottman also concluded that in relationships, you are either a master or a disaster. A master will look for ways to bid and find things they can appreciate and say thank you for in their partner. A disaster will look for what a partner is doing that is wrong and choose criticism over kindness. The most amazing part of all the work that Gottman has done is that by the time he completed his study, he could predict with 94% accuracy a couple’s chances of staying together based on these principles. Are you turning away or toward? Is being a master or disaster in your future?

So love and relationships do require work and understanding pretty much all year round, but the challenge is how to do that all year round! For me, it means to be in the moment and pay attention when communicating with others I love. To find a way, even when the day is overwhelming, to keep a generous spirit and loving heart, a loving heart that is open to giving and receiving appreciation and thanks. And maybe every once in a while, sending a heart emoji in a phone message to someone special.

If you would like to improve your current relationship with your partner, contact Sound Mind Therapy and learn more about couples counseling. We offer expert counseling services to residents of St. Charles, St. Louis and surrounding areas. Call us today at (314) 499-9144 or complete our online form to get started.

If you would like to learn more about the author, Kim McGuiness, click here.