Sound Mind Therapy

Couples therapy is a time for learning and growing as a couple. It’s not a time for blaming or rehashing old conflicts. It’s a time to take a moment to sit down in this fast-paced world and really listen to what your partner is saying. Whether you’ve been going to couples therapy for years or are about to have your first appointment, these tips can help you make the most of marriage counseling.

This is a three part series on getting the most out of couples therapy by remembering the 3 R’s.
 
1. Reframe your belief about couples therapy. It is not a sentencing for bad behavior. It is an opportunity for educational growth and to become more conscious and learn about your self, your partner and what is really going on in your relationship.
 
Have you ever thought about what is really happening when you fall in and out of love? When you first fall in love, all is right with the world. Your mate appears funny, sexy, and happy. He or she seems to complete you. He’s a thinker; you’re a doer. She plans; you‘re spontaneous. Opposites attract, right?
 
Then something goes haywire. It could take months or years. Suddenly your partner is different than you thought. What initially attracted you begins to grate on you. The power struggles begin. Fighting replaces communicating and connecting.
 
Guess what? That’s actually supposed to happen. Yep, in Imago Couples Therapy, you will learn to reframe conflict. Conflict in a marriage is something natural and normal and is actually a good thing. It is when the honeymoon is over that the real marriage begins.
 
Imago couples therapy starts with a simple but profound belief: Everyone unconsciously picks their perfect mate – their Imago mate. At this point, that may be hard to believe. You marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of your primary caretakers (generally being your parents).
 
In doing so, you seek what you lack in your partner. You are disorganized, so you are attracted to a neat freak. Or you are shy, so you are attracted to someone outgoing. But then you begin to criticize your partner for being too organized or too boisterous, calling them loud and obnoxious.
 
So you eventually try to squash the very traits you were looking for in the first place.
 
Deep, isn’t it? The purpose marriage counseling is to provide you with an updated education of how you both can grow as individuals and partners in a marriage.
 
Check back next week to learn about the importance of the next R: Recognizing the part you play.
 
Evonne Weinhaus, LCSW, LPC is the co-author of three books – A New Fearless You, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, and Stop Struggling With Your Child. She is also a certified Imago relationship therapist at Sound Mind Cafe and sought-after speaker. For more information about Evonne Weinhaus, go to www.soundmindcafe.com