Sound Mind Therapy

So far we have talked about 2 R’s: Reframing your view about couples therapy and recognizing the part you play. Now let’s move on to the third R: Resolve to move out of your comfort zone.

Do something that is out of the ordinary for you. And, guess what? I have two suggestions for you. In Imago Couples Therapy, we talk about two different processes: stretching and growing.

Let’s start with stretching. When you are listening to your partner, it is really easy to start defending yourself. Instead, we suggest the listener has the opportunity to “stretch” and add to their usual repertoire of responses. For example, the listener would only reflect back what he or she is hearing. I agree-not easy to do! Try to think of it this way: You have the opportunity to “stretch” and make a connection instead of a correction. You want to keep your eye on the long-range goal, not just go for the short-term gains that don’t get you anywhere.

The second process, growing, is reserved for the person who is doing the talking. Oh, it is so easy to blame and point the finger at your partner. Who can’t relate to that? The secret is to remember the R: Recognize the part you play and speak in terms of your own behavior. Don’t short change yourself by putting the focus on your partner. The power of healing lies within you. You have the opportunity to clarify and deepen what is really going on inside of you. It is your gift to yourself. Discover who you really are and how that part of you is playing out in your relationship.

The Results? That is the bonus R. You will have taken a major step in developing a conscious relationship. You will learn to see your partner not as an extension of you or as you wish he or she would be, but as a unique individual with his or her own ideas or dreams that no longer collide with your own.

In giving your partner what they need versus just what you need, you will learn a true and lasting love. 
 

Evonne Weinhaus, LCSW, LPC is the co-author of three books – A New Fearless You, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, and Stop Struggling With Your Child. She is also a certified Imago relationship therapist at Sound Mind Cafe and sought-after speaker. For more information about Evonne Weinhaus, go to Sound Mind Therapy